I have been struggling with letting go. Yes total release, in may areas of my life. From love to pain, to clothes to clutter, I just hold on for what you ask. Well I have come to realize it is a form of a reminder. I know you are wondering why would someone hold on to something that hurts them or weighs them down. My answer is its hold a place,a form of comfort, if I let go then I have to deal with the void, the emptiness that is left.  I must say that means I have to deal with me…I have worked so hard to become the person I am with baggage included. Who am I without the baggage. Who am I beyond my stuff…

I am more than the baggage I have carried in my 44 years of life yet it is apart of me. The way I love, the decisions I make and the drive that pushes my success is locked away in every suitcase, bag and piles of journals. I laugh as I am reminded when we moved to Indianapolis to start over we only had a few clothes in a suitcase and a few blankets and pillows, and here we are in a four bedroom two story house full of stuff. I look in the mirror and say to my self how much stuff did I bring with me, in my mind, heart and soul. I left a place but did I really leave all I needed behind. 

I was not really happy with myself the last couple of weeks as I have seen an old versions of myself pop up in unusual circumstances. The challenges that are facing me at work, health issues and the pure loneliness of not having someone in my life to understand or comfort me is hard. For the last five years I have held on the hopes and desire that this man that I have grown fond of would be my happy ever after, but again that is baggage I should let go of…Lets open this one up so I can share with you why.

There are people that come in your life for a short moment of time and then there are others that should be there for a lifetime. Well I am still learning who those are and how to distinguish between the two. I get attached to people I find a deep connections with and it is hard to cut the connection. Then there are those that hurt me so deeply I will walk away and erase them completely from my mind and heart and won’t think twice. Well in this suitcase is the filled with broken promises and empty bottles of hope. I should have walked away one year into getting to know him, but let’s be real options are few over the age of 40. So I stayed in the game, yea a real game it was. There is nothing in the suitcase that was worth packing and taking with me. Not visibly that is, he offered nothing but demanded a lot and degraded me every chance he could. Just nothing I could do or say would please him. That began to wear on my mental. I asked him why does he continue to say I am his wife when he treats me less than. He had no answers so I stopped talking to him for months. He didn’t attempt to call. I just wanted him to care about me in spite of my flaws. People have a way of showing you better than telling you… I seen but the hope in my heart blinded me while  the desire for love washed away the truth…love should never cover lies and deception. I am glad I am awake now.

I am one that always encourages another about knowing their worth. Why is it I allowed this behavior. The sad thing is I really loved him or what I thought was love. That is the end of that. I have unpacked that and now I have more to love about me. I was using unnecessary energy to in an empty space…Now what do I do with that energy. I am writing to help others through my revelations.

Today in the sermon, A Word was released that hit the air out of me. There are people you are put in there live and they are unable to see the greatness or help nurture that which needs to released in you. So they ignore you or mistreat/misuse you. You have to know that not everyone is meant to go the distance and you can’t carry them. It will only hinder the distance you must travel to get to your NEXT. Your next requires you to lighten the load so you can elevate. I got my release now I must not, can not look back or pick it back up.

God help me to see what it is that You want for me. Give me the heart to forgive and walk away from that which is not for me. I will not operate in fear or depression. Help me to not hold on to false hope. I trust YOU and the plans you have for.