Ephesians 6:12

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

We create our own monsters…by being in a dark place, I sure have. Through an unfortunate chain of events in life, we become targets of our own pain. The strong walls of defense we have built over time become weakened by continuous hard attacks that come our way. When the attacks began to come, our focus is on the attack (defense) more than the protection. We look fleshly at each attack as intentional and personal. As believers, we must see ourselves as one brick in a wall and the attack is on the wall not on the brick. With that being said, even the strong have moments of weakness where we can enter into a dark place. Yeah, depression. Our emotions become magnified monsters backing us up into a corner of surrender. What will you surrender to the darkness or the light…Walk with me as I share with you my dark moment.

Hurt and confused, I was crying and asking God, “WHY?”

Why me? Why again?
What have I done to have all this hurt and rejection? Bullied by life.
Why do I have to fight so hard to get the respect and love I so desire.
I have so much to give and I am so willing to offer my help, my heart, my service…Yet my kindness is my weakness, the gait I continually leave unguarded, causing me to feel more than I think. Making my emotions make my decisions.
Yet I am used
Dismissed
Pushed away
Ignored
Passed over

God send me to a people that will recognize You sent me.
Humble me in my go, let the work  I do on this earth give You honor and glory.
I want to be effective for the Kingdom
I don’t need a platform just need Your permission and guidance.
These attacks on my heart are weakening me…
The isolation and the minimal connection to like-minded Believers are wearing on me…
Father do you hear me…

There was no response. Just me and my loud sobbing. I was crying out in pain. Not once did I enter into worship. The human part in me was taking over the spiritual man.  It hurt too much. The pain of heartache, disappointment, failure, loneliness, and rejection. It was oh so much weighing heavy on my heart. Too much for me to bare. My mental pain and agony was pushing my emotions to the surface and I began to call out

Jesus!!!
Jesus!!!
Jesus!!!

HELP ME!!!

And before long I had fallen asleep. I had worn myself out in despair.

God loves me…I know this because I WOKE UP and to a different mindset. The Holy Spirit had visited me in my sleep. Sometimes it takes us being in a vulnerable state to surrender our flesh so God can speak into us in that dark place. I had fallen asleep mentally defeated and physically tired.  Yet I woke up with a praise and a Word.

Psalm 41:11
I know you are pleased with me, for you have not let my enemies triumph over me.

At the point of me feeling rejected, I realized it was ABBA Father enacting His paternal protection from a greater attack that was being planned for my future. If permission had been given for THAT relationship to go forth or THAT door to be closed, my destiny, the perfect plans ABBA Father had for my life would have been compromised. You see, The Holy Spirit foresaw what my flesh refused to acknowledge and my emotions were blocking, an enemy in the making.

Deuteronomy 31:6
So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

I hear you Holy Spirit…Say
They see the God in you, it’s not you personally that is being rejected but the light I placed in you. The love you have challenges them to be greater…they like the darkness, where I send you darkness cannot dwell. Don’t be afraid of the dark for I AM always with you. The light in you is ME…There are trials that are necessary for you to endure to build your strength for where you are going, I am Always with you. Call out to ME with your praise.

It is refreshing what happens after a good spiritual temper tantrum…I had a moment. I am sure many Believers have had them, it’s not doubting God. It is a fight from within. A battle between light and dark, good and evil, love and hate, truth verse a lie. For it is in that instant when the light illuminates in you and is charged to overtake the darkness that comes to take you out of the battle.  I had questions. My flesh and emotions were hypersensitive and I was not able to receive instruction or even receive comfort.  A dangerous place when you are faced with a major decision in life.

My Prayer
Lord protect me from me…

 Simple and sweet, well not so sweet but to the point. I am my worst enemy.

Rejection is a hard pill to swallow…if you make it meal for one. (Meaning if you make it all about you.) When we allow ourselves to create or set up in a lonely place of despair, hopelessness, and misery we dim our light we diminish our hope, we reduce our faith as well as our ability to hear God. I know I have a many of time. I still have questions about my walk and I constantly battle with being drawn into a dark place. Yet I am in a better place where I don’t fear the darkness and I am fighting to not seek comfort in dark places. It is a process. The goal is to keep moving. There are progression and elevation that are made in movement. Each day is I have to look to God for guidance on many levels. Lord show me where to go and where not to go and moreover when to be still and silent. I Trust You Lord and I am learning not to take every attack so personal. Giving You the glory even in my most challenging of times and darkest of moments for I know You are building character in me. Knowing You are my strength, I am learning to lean more on You as I trust the plans You have for me. God bring me out of the shadows I have hidden in this dark place for protection from being vulnerable to what opening my heart to loving people brings. Protect me from me. My fears of getting too close. My fears of being hurt.  God please send and surround me with people that are loving, accountable and trustworthy in Your sight. It is not easy being alone and the enemy uses that to isolate my thoughts and magnify my feelings.

Many of those that know me will read this and be at a loss for words. Saying I never knew…there are many people in the Body of Christ that suffer silently in dark places. Afraid to ask for help for fear of exposure or ridicule or unnecessary chastisement. My Goal is to help those that are experiencing those murky moments. You are not alone. It is a process. You have to remind yourself how to use that light from within. By way of…

Strong Prayer Life

Fasting

Studying God’s Word

Application of God’s Principals

I am no longer afraid of the dark for I know…

Psalms 119:105

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.