Category Archives: As I see it

Vines Without Roses

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To My Dearest Mom:

Picked too soon!!!

Mom I miss you. It has been over a month since God embraced you in His Arms. Taken from your weakened body to be with OUR heavenly Father. I know you are no longer in pain and agony, oh how I hate CANCER!!! I know you are in a better place. Yet, it doesn’t change the fact that I miss you. Is that selfish?

The days are not the same without you here, I have wanted to pick up the phone and call you many times. There is a void in me, something missing. It’s you, my dear Mom. I am attempting to self-heal, with the help of prayer of course. I would love to hear your voice, I need you to comfort me. You did instill in me a great sense of faith. There was a part of me removed the day you passed on. Yet with my faith, I feel a connection to you.

Momma do you forgive me…I never in my mind even imagined you dying. Really I believed God for a total and ultimate healing. Was I naïve or was I blind? Or was it a daughter just not wanting to let go. Whatever the case was, did I put undue pressure on you to fight? Please forgive me!!! There were so many words left unsaid. Promises I was not able to keep. Please, my dear Mom, will you forgive me.

God has placed so many wonderful people in my life to comfort me since you went home. Mostly newcomers, a lot of people I thought to be friends went astray. Yet the unique thing is these newcomers understood my pain because we shared a common grief, loss of a parent. We are the collection of vines without roses…we comfort one another. I thank God for them…

There is one thing that is for sure about grieving, it can be an emotional roller coaster, at times. There are ups and downs, but I can’t stay down too long. I may not be able to get back up as quickly as quickly as I would like. Get out of the place of grief. How long will this last. Am I destined to grieve forever. This is one time I am going to have to pick myself up and trust God and the process of healing. I am learning how to move forward. I am learning how to take my grief and place it in a positive place. I am still hurting but dwelling in this place will not bring you back. I want to reinvest my emotional energy in a positive way. How do I give life to your death?

You instilled so much in me, good ole fashion values. I learned about womanhood by watching and listening to you. You are the reason for the order and discipline I walk in. I want to give life to otherd by encouraging others as you had and making sacrifices for other just like you…I want to do it with dignity and give GOD all the glory.

Gone at such a young age, picked too soon, yet you placed so many seeds of potential in all you left behind. I know love, patience, virtue, kindness, strength, devotion, dedication and most of all FAITH because of you MOM. As I am one of the vines you left behind, one day I will be a rose just like you…

Purposely Imposed Destiny (PID)

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purpose

Many of our successes or failures have come from a word or a gesture. I am reminded of hearing a story from Barron Batch. He spoke of the start of his NFL football career starting as a young boy walking across the dusty fields of West Texas, he had tennis shoes that flipped and flopped. Probably the only pair he had. As he made his way home a Coach noticed him and met his need. Invested in him by buying him a pair of shoes and look at him today… Now that Coach could have turned a cold heart and went home or judge the young man from a place yet he saw a need that was hindering a potential…The coach was his inspiration. Challenges in life brings out determination. Once this need was met next came great effort which lead to great success. As a young teenager, I was met with many challenges, good and bad experiences. A child should never be told by a counselor her changes of failure was great because of her color and size. It has a way of hindering a growing mind. Yet as I write these words I am not angry with her, I am disappointed but I harbor no hate. I took what the devil meant for harm and made it work because I am not a failure I am the daughter of a King. The words that was imbedded in me from my Mom as a young child and the words I spoke bold I,”I can do all things through Jesus Christ that strengthens me, The reason why those words that adult counselor spoke into my ear as an eighth grader’s haunted me but did not destroy me. Words have power and actions do as well. I am a lioness and I am a conqueror in Christ Jesus. Yes those words challenged me to have the lioness heart I have today, but I was only a cub then forced to roar before my time. Those words meant to intimidate me was breeding ground to grow me. To inspire others. I know as adults we see children like this all the time. Whether it is a physical need or an emotional investment. Be kind with our words and swift with our actions. Some children may require a lot of time, effort and resources, others may not. No matter big or small, would you pass by the chance to invest into the next generation. Would you take the time to care? Would you take the time to make a difference?

(It takes one to care One to make a difference, Will that one be you?)

Damaged Goods

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MeMeMeMe

 

 

 

 

The quote says, “It takes a strong heart to love but, it takes a stronger heart to continue to love after the heart has been hurt.” That leads me to this question, “How difficult is it to love a person that has or is recovering from a broken heart?” Would you label a person like this Damaged GOODS!!!

I must say as a woman who can verbally speak on my hurt and pains as well as the wounds from past relationships, I have been referred to as, Damaged Goods. The slanderous words did not come from what they had seen or how I acted but from me opening my heart up to them to let them in. Yes, I am divorced and a single mom, that doesn’t make me spoiled from being a good mate. It sure makes it hard to be vulnerable when you reveal a softer side of you or a deeper part of you, and it is not well received…Some people find it hard to understand my tears because all they ever see is me smiling, working and encouraging others. To let someone who looks at you in great respect and seeing you as the strong, cheerful and outgoing Superwoman and then they find out you are just as human as they are. With many tests, tears and heartache and struggles, and that all power “BUT GOD” and “If it wasn’t for GOD” is what makes the contrast. It is as if to shatter their fantasy of you.  Then you are no more to them treasured but “Damaged Goods”

If we would be really honest with one another we are all imperfect with various blemishes. You or I may be more or less scarred than the next. But we are not without purpose or worth.

What one may call, Damaged Goods; I simply see as wounded merchandise. My value is not predicated on one’s interpretation of my wounds or my scars. My life and the events that fill it are unique to the gifting that God is growing in me. Since God is in me He can fix me! What you may see a weakness; God is making it a strength. So what you call damage, I call a place of purification, favor and good fortune designed by the creator to get the best out of me… Before you label me or discard me, take this in mind every defect you see in me is an attribute unique to where God wants to use me…The blemishes are just the battle scars of me holding on to the God in me while the world tried to take the life out of me. The brokenness in me you may find hard to grasp an understanding for was series of trials orchestrated to take the worst out of me so MY God could restructure more of Him in me. I was given a trial after trial only to come out jaded but destroyed. The events did not take me out. It was a designed to make me stronger for what was to come. Make me appreciate my blessings, which just may not be you! Because if it is my past wound that scares Continue reading →

Clean

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clean heart

 

Have you ever noticed everyone’s perception of clean is different? A baby has no concept or idea what clean is (purity form of Clean) My son cannot understand the importance and detail in disinfecting (deeper CLEAN) And as for myself I may not possess the keen sense of detail to clean as my Mom (wisdom) Understand this “clean” is not about being perfect but being able to live up to your expectations based on your knowledge,up-bring, and experience…

With that being said people enter into relationships with the same mind SET!!! 

What becomes difficult is once you enter into a relationship and someone with a little more foresight points out a spot or wrinkle that you perceived to be without fault. It is at that moment you become defensive…It’s not necessary to defend what you do not know or recognize just make the necessary changes. Know this there are special people that come into our lives to enhance US. Please believe this, it will require correction. Especially if it is done biblically.

Correction is a form or cleaning/cleansing 

Ask yourself are you correctable?

II Timothy 3:16                                                                                                                                    All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness;

The true sign of maturity is the depths in which we receive it…Look beyond how it made

you feel into how youclean heart will improve. Know this age is not a sign of maturity growth is.

 

 

More to come

 

I Stopped Talking

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 shh

I STOPPED TALKING

Me, Oh yes me! I have nothing else to say. Well, I actually do have something of relevance to say, I just decided it was time to hold back.  I am drained. I recently lost my mother right before Christmas and that loss has hit me hard. I am nowhere close to getting over it emotionally or under it as understanding the WHY. One thing is for certain, I learned a lot about people, during My Mom’s illness, and after her passing. It is the reason I have stopped talking. I wish I had more people in my life that were a comfort to me as I am to them, yet I do find solace in praying.  I found myself putting unrealistic expectations in those I have invested a lot of heart into (notice I didn’t say time or money) hoping to receive back what I shared in them. That was definitely not the case. WAIT this is not one of those bitter rants. There is a silver lining at the end of this. Now I wanted to get bitter. Oh, Baby yes I wanted to rain down all the ill will that was building inside of me, but I couldn’t. Yes, I could not, meaning I had control of what the outcome was going to be, self-control at its finest. So I stopped talking. I stopped answering the phone and responding to text messages. I stopped. It was making me angry like THE HULK.  Broken promises, excuses and the rudest words of comfort were becoming insulting. I even had two marriage proposal and solicitation of sex, and family members asking me to help them get to my mom’s funeral, I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to…so I stopped talking. I blocked and deleted and set up boundaries. Then I did the best thing I could do, I went into prayer mode. I created an environment of peace among the madness. I was in search of my sanity.

There is one thing about grieving it comes in spurts of emotions. I would find myself buried in sorrow and then guilt and then anger…all I wanted to do was WAKE Up out of this horrible nightmare. I needed to talk, I wanted to talk but I had no one to listen to Neat. I would have a call come in or go out to eat and the conversation was about them…smh!!! So I initiated the silence mode…I stopped talking about me. I listened. I have learned not everyone is equipped to hear the sorrow within me. Most people are used to me being the motivator, the cheerleader, the minister, the comforter, the interceder/prayer warrior but not Neat the griever. Again I found myself in prayer. Seeking and searching for a form of comfort/comforter. I needed to be replenished I needed to be restored…I stopped talking. I stopped saying things of substance and just decided to be…

BE WHAT

TO BE Quiet

Waiting on the instructions of GOD as I go through the healing process. Sometimes it is necessary so we will not say things we will live to regret. Our words have power and should be spoken with authority and released responsibly.

Yes, it can be that simple            shh…

Proverbs 29:11; Proverbs 10:19; I Chronicles 16:11; Ecclesiastes 3:7; Luke 5:16