Tag Archives: God

DIARY

Posted on by
1

 

I Am Becoming

Aneatria A. Johnson

Diary of a Rib In Waiting

I AM WOMAN (Series)

  July 9, 2018

Yesterday was Sunday, and it was again like the past couple of weeks another soul-searching day. I am on a quest like no other. I am 42 years young and I need my purpose to be defined. I have been there for others and now I have to find the path that God wants to use me on. I need fulfillment. I want something for me, is that selfish. I want love, friendships, and purpose. Simple yet not reachable not on the level I am on now. I meet people only to build associations not deep connections. Lonely and peaceful at this same time. I must admit after losing so much I have built a fear on getting close to people because losing them hurts whether by death, disappointment or disassociation it creates a pain I don’t think I am willing to endure too many more times. So maybe this place of loneliness is self-created, some form of self-defense mechanism. My own personal shield, that has left me in a place of hiding. I want to come out of hiding so I have been on this soul-searching.

I began visiting a store-front church in Chicago. My first time visiting a year or more ago I was blessed by The Word of God yet I was turned away by the interaction with some of the church goers… Now that has since changed I go there JUST for the turn to your neighbors moments… Or hug three people. I needed the human connection. You never know how deprived you are until THAT person takes you in their arms and hugs you tight with a sincere love. Don’t take those moments of kindness for granted. Hug your neighbor. HUG them tight

Yet and still I dart out of the church like an awkward teenager, straight to the car. Not use to all the love, no it’s not that I just don’t want to care. Care means I have to get involved. Caring means becoming vulnerable. Caring means to love. Darn too late, I think I am loving this church. God is elevating my heart and my mind. I feel myself growing and being enriched. There is no drama I see at this moment and I LOVE THAT!!! NO judgment ZONE and we all need that to grow. I have been praying for God to send me to a people that need me, never did or could I imagine how much I needed them and the word that is being fed to me is LIKE WOW…Their tagline for the ministry is, “A Place to Become” My God what are You up and who am I becoming on this NEXT level…

I am excited about who I AM BECOMING…

 

I Stopped Talking

Posted on by
Reply

 shh

I STOPPED TALKING

Me, Oh yes me! I have nothing else to say. Well, I actually do have something of relevance to say, I just decided it was time to hold back.  I am drained. I recently lost my mother right before Christmas and that loss has hit me hard. I am nowhere close to getting over it emotionally or under it as understanding the WHY. One thing is for certain, I learned a lot about people, during My Mom’s illness, and after her passing. It is the reason I have stopped talking. I wish I had more people in my life that were a comfort to me as I am to them, yet I do find solace in praying.  I found myself putting unrealistic expectations in those I have invested a lot of heart into (notice I didn’t say time or money) hoping to receive back what I shared in them. That was definitely not the case. WAIT this is not one of those bitter rants. There is a silver lining at the end of this. Now I wanted to get bitter. Oh, Baby yes I wanted to rain down all the ill will that was building inside of me, but I couldn’t. Yes, I could not, meaning I had control of what the outcome was going to be, self-control at its finest. So I stopped talking. I stopped answering the phone and responding to text messages. I stopped. It was making me angry like THE HULK.  Broken promises, excuses and the rudest words of comfort were becoming insulting. I even had two marriage proposal and solicitation of sex, and family members asking me to help them get to my mom’s funeral, I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to…so I stopped talking. I blocked and deleted and set up boundaries. Then I did the best thing I could do, I went into prayer mode. I created an environment of peace among the madness. I was in search of my sanity.

There is one thing about grieving it comes in spurts of emotions. I would find myself buried in sorrow and then guilt and then anger…all I wanted to do was WAKE Up out of this horrible nightmare. I needed to talk, I wanted to talk but I had no one to listen to Neat. I would have a call come in or go out to eat and the conversation was about them…smh!!! So I initiated the silence mode…I stopped talking about me. I listened. I have learned not everyone is equipped to hear the sorrow within me. Most people are used to me being the motivator, the cheerleader, the minister, the comforter, the interceder/prayer warrior but not Neat the griever. Again I found myself in prayer. Seeking and searching for a form of comfort/comforter. I needed to be replenished I needed to be restored…I stopped talking. I stopped saying things of substance and just decided to be…

BE WHAT

TO BE Quiet

Waiting on the instructions of GOD as I go through the healing process. Sometimes it is necessary so we will not say things we will live to regret. Our words have power and should be spoken with authority and released responsibly.

Yes, it can be that simple            shh…

Proverbs 29:11; Proverbs 10:19; I Chronicles 16:11; Ecclesiastes 3:7; Luke 5:16