Tag Archives: grief

Vines Without Roses

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To My Dearest Mom:

Picked too soon!!!

Mom I miss you. It has been over a month since God embraced you in His Arms. Taken from your weakened body to be with OUR heavenly Father. I know you are no longer in pain and agony, oh how I hate CANCER!!! I know you are in a better place. Yet, it doesn’t change the fact that I miss you. Is that selfish?

The days are not the same without you here, I have wanted to pick up the phone and call you many times. There is a void in me, something missing. It’s you, my dear Mom. I am attempting to self-heal, with the help of prayer of course. I would love to hear your voice, I need you to comfort me. You did instill in me a great sense of faith. There was a part of me removed the day you passed on. Yet with my faith, I feel a connection to you.

Momma do you forgive me…I never in my mind even imagined you dying. Really I believed God for a total and ultimate healing. Was I naïve or was I blind? Or was it a daughter just not wanting to let go. Whatever the case was, did I put undue pressure on you to fight? Please forgive me!!! There were so many words left unsaid. Promises I was not able to keep. Please, my dear Mom, will you forgive me.

God has placed so many wonderful people in my life to comfort me since you went home. Mostly newcomers, a lot of people I thought to be friends went astray. Yet the unique thing is these newcomers understood my pain because we shared a common grief, loss of a parent. We are the collection of vines without roses…we comfort one another. I thank God for them…

There is one thing that is for sure about grieving, it can be an emotional roller coaster, at times. There are ups and downs, but I can’t stay down too long. I may not be able to get back up as quickly as quickly as I would like. Get out of the place of grief. How long will this last. Am I destined to grieve forever. This is one time I am going to have to pick myself up and trust God and the process of healing. I am learning how to move forward. I am learning how to take my grief and place it in a positive place. I am still hurting but dwelling in this place will not bring you back. I want to reinvest my emotional energy in a positive way. How do I give life to your death?

You instilled so much in me, good ole fashion values. I learned about womanhood by watching and listening to you. You are the reason for the order and discipline I walk in. I want to give life to otherd by encouraging others as you had and making sacrifices for other just like you…I want to do it with dignity and give GOD all the glory.

Gone at such a young age, picked too soon, yet you placed so many seeds of potential in all you left behind. I know love, patience, virtue, kindness, strength, devotion, dedication and most of all FAITH because of you MOM. As I am one of the vines you left behind, one day I will be a rose just like you…

I Stopped Talking

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 shh

I STOPPED TALKING

Me, Oh yes me! I have nothing else to say. Well, I actually do have something of relevance to say, I just decided it was time to hold back.  I am drained. I recently lost my mother right before Christmas and that loss has hit me hard. I am nowhere close to getting over it emotionally or under it as understanding the WHY. One thing is for certain, I learned a lot about people, during My Mom’s illness, and after her passing. It is the reason I have stopped talking. I wish I had more people in my life that were a comfort to me as I am to them, yet I do find solace in praying.  I found myself putting unrealistic expectations in those I have invested a lot of heart into (notice I didn’t say time or money) hoping to receive back what I shared in them. That was definitely not the case. WAIT this is not one of those bitter rants. There is a silver lining at the end of this. Now I wanted to get bitter. Oh, Baby yes I wanted to rain down all the ill will that was building inside of me, but I couldn’t. Yes, I could not, meaning I had control of what the outcome was going to be, self-control at its finest. So I stopped talking. I stopped answering the phone and responding to text messages. I stopped. It was making me angry like THE HULK.  Broken promises, excuses and the rudest words of comfort were becoming insulting. I even had two marriage proposal and solicitation of sex, and family members asking me to help them get to my mom’s funeral, I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to…so I stopped talking. I blocked and deleted and set up boundaries. Then I did the best thing I could do, I went into prayer mode. I created an environment of peace among the madness. I was in search of my sanity.

There is one thing about grieving it comes in spurts of emotions. I would find myself buried in sorrow and then guilt and then anger…all I wanted to do was WAKE Up out of this horrible nightmare. I needed to talk, I wanted to talk but I had no one to listen to Neat. I would have a call come in or go out to eat and the conversation was about them…smh!!! So I initiated the silence mode…I stopped talking about me. I listened. I have learned not everyone is equipped to hear the sorrow within me. Most people are used to me being the motivator, the cheerleader, the minister, the comforter, the interceder/prayer warrior but not Neat the griever. Again I found myself in prayer. Seeking and searching for a form of comfort/comforter. I needed to be replenished I needed to be restored…I stopped talking. I stopped saying things of substance and just decided to be…

BE WHAT

TO BE Quiet

Waiting on the instructions of GOD as I go through the healing process. Sometimes it is necessary so we will not say things we will live to regret. Our words have power and should be spoken with authority and released responsibly.

Yes, it can be that simple            shh…

Proverbs 29:11; Proverbs 10:19; I Chronicles 16:11; Ecclesiastes 3:7; Luke 5:16