Tag Archives: love

I AM Not Afraid of the Dark

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light

Ephesians 6:12

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

 

We create our own monsters…by being in a dark place, I sure have. Through an unfortunate chain of events in life, we become targets of our own pain. The strong walls of defense we have built over time become weakened by continuous hard attacks that come our way. When the attacks began to come, our focus is on the attack (defense) more than the protection. We look fleshly at each attack as intentional and personal. As believers, we must see ourselves as one brick in a wall and the attack is on the wall not on the brick. With that being said, even the strong have moments of weakness where we can enter into a dark place. Yeah, depression. Our emotions become magnified monsters backing us up into a corner of surrender. What will you surrender to the darkness or the light…Walk with me as I share with you my dark moment.

 

Hurt and confused, I was crying and asking God, “WHY?”

Why me? Why again?
What have I done to have all this hurt and rejection? Bullied by life.
Why do I have to fight so hard to get the respect and love I so desire.
I have so much to give and I am so willing to offer my help, my heart, my service…Yet my kindness is my weakness, the gait I continually leave unguarded, causing me to feel more than I think. Making my emotions make my decisions.
Yet I am used
Dismissed
Pushed away
Ignored
Passed over

God send me to a people that will recognize You sent me.
Humble me in my go, let the work  I do on this earth give You honor and glory.
I want to be effective for the Kingdom
I don’t need a platform just need Your permission and guidance.
These attacks on my heart are weakening me…
The isolation and the minimal connection to like-minded Believers are wearing on me…
Father do you hear me…

There was no response. Just me and my loud sobbing. I was crying out in pain. Not once did I enter into worship. The human part in me was taking over the spiritual man.  It hurt too much. The pain of heartache, disappointment, failure, loneliness, and rejection. It was oh so much weighing heavy on my heart. Too much for me to bare. My mental pain and agony was pushing my emotions to the surface and I began to call out

Jesus!!!
Jesus!!!
Jesus!!!

HELP ME!!!

And before long I had fallen asleep. I had worn myself out in despair.

God loves me…I know this because I WOKE UP and to a different mindset. The Holy Spirit had visited me in my sleep. Sometimes it takes us being in a vulnerable state to surrender our flesh so God can speak into us in that dark place. I had fallen asleep mentally defeated and physically tired.  Yet I woke up with a praise and a Word.

 

Psalm 41:11
I know you are pleased with me, for you have not let my enemies triumph over me.

 

At the point of me feeling rejected, I realized it was ABBA Father enacting His paternal protection from a greater attack that was being planned for my future. If permission had been given for THAT relationship to go forth or THAT door to be closed, my destiny, the perfect plans ABBA Father had for my life would have been compromised. You see, The Holy Spirit foresaw what my flesh refused to acknowledge and my emotions were blocking, an enemy in the making.

 

Deuteronomy 31:6
So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

 

I hear you Holy Spirit…Say
They see the God in you, it’s not you personally that is being rejected but the light I placed in you. The love you have challenges them to be greater…they like the darkness, where I send you darkness cannot dwell. Don’t be afraid of the dark for I AM always with you. The light in you is ME…There are trials that are necessary for you to endure to build your strength for where you are going, I am Always with you. Call out to ME with your praise.

 

It is refreshing what happens after a good spiritual temper tantrum…I had a moment. I am sure many Believers have had them, it’s not doubting God. It is a fight from within. A battle between light and dark, good and evil, love and hate, truth verse a lie. For it is in that instant when the light illuminates in you and is charged to overtake the darkness that comes to take you out of the battle.  I had questions. My flesh and emotions were hypersensitive and I was not able to receive instruction or even receive comfort.  A dangerous place when you are faced with a major decision in life.

 

My Prayer
Lord protect me from me…

 Simple and sweet, well not so sweet but to the point. I am my worst enemy.

Rejection is a hard pill to swallow…if you make it meal for one. (Meaning if you make it all about you.) When we allow ourselves to create or set up in a lonely place of despair, hopelessness, and misery we dim our light we diminish our hope, we reduce our faith as well as our ability to hear God. I know I have a many of time. I still have questions about my walk and I constantly battle with being drawn into a dark place. Yet I am in a better place where I don’t fear the darkness and I am fighting to not seek comfort in dark places. It is a process. The goal is to keep moving. There are progression and elevation that are made in movement. Each day is I have to look to God for guidance on many levels. Lord show me where to go and where not to go and moreover when to be still and silent. I Trust You Lord and I am learning not to take every attack so personal. Giving You the glory even in my most challenging of times and darkest of moments for I know You are building character in me. Knowing You are my strength, I am learning to lean more on You as I trust the plans You have for me. God bring me out of the shadows I have hidden in this dark place for protection from being vulnerable to what opening my heart to loving people brings. Protect me from me. My fears of getting too close. My fears of being hurt.  God please send and surround me with people that are loving, accountable and trustworthy in Your sight. It is not easy being alone and the enemy uses that to isolate my thoughts and magnify my feelings.

Many of those that know me will read this and be at a loss for words. Saying I never knew…there are many people in the Body of Christ that suffer silently in dark places. Afraid to ask for help for fear of exposure or ridicule or unnecessary chastisement. My Goal is to help those that are experiencing those murky moments. You are not alone. It is a process. You have to remind yourself how to use that light from within. By way of…

Strong Prayer Life

Fasting

Studying God’s Word

Application of God’s Principals

I am no longer afraid of the dark for I know…

 

Psalms 119:105

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

 

DIARY

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I Am Becoming

Aneatria A. Johnson

Diary of a Rib In Waiting

I AM WOMAN (Series)

  July 9, 2018

Yesterday was Sunday, and it was again like the past couple of weeks another soul-searching day. I am on a quest like no other. I am 42 years young and I need my purpose to be defined. I have been there for others and now I have to find the path that God wants to use me on. I need fulfillment. I want something for me, is that selfish. I want love, friendships, and purpose. Simple yet not reachable not on the level I am on now. I meet people only to build associations not deep connections. Lonely and peaceful at this same time. I must admit after losing so much I have built a fear on getting close to people because losing them hurts whether by death, disappointment or disassociation it creates a pain I don’t think I am willing to endure too many more times. So maybe this place of loneliness is self-created, some form of self-defense mechanism. My own personal shield, that has left me in a place of hiding. I want to come out of hiding so I have been on this soul-searching.

I began visiting a store-front church in Chicago. My first time visiting a year or more ago I was blessed by The Word of God yet I was turned away by the interaction with some of the church goers… Now that has since changed I go there JUST for the turn to your neighbors moments… Or hug three people. I needed the human connection. You never know how deprived you are until THAT person takes you in their arms and hugs you tight with a sincere love. Don’t take those moments of kindness for granted. Hug your neighbor. HUG them tight

Yet and still I dart out of the church like an awkward teenager, straight to the car. Not use to all the love, no it’s not that I just don’t want to care. Care means I have to get involved. Caring means becoming vulnerable. Caring means to love. Darn too late, I think I am loving this church. God is elevating my heart and my mind. I feel myself growing and being enriched. There is no drama I see at this moment and I LOVE THAT!!! NO judgment ZONE and we all need that to grow. I have been praying for God to send me to a people that need me, never did or could I imagine how much I needed them and the word that is being fed to me is LIKE WOW…Their tagline for the ministry is, “A Place to Become” My God what are You up and who am I becoming on this NEXT level…

I am excited about who I AM BECOMING…

 

Vines Without Roses

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To My Dearest Mom:

Picked too soon!!!

Mom I miss you. It has been over a month since God embraced you in His Arms. Taken from your weakened body to be with OUR heavenly Father. I know you are no longer in pain and agony, oh how I hate CANCER!!! I know you are in a better place. Yet, it doesn’t change the fact that I miss you. Is that selfish?

The days are not the same without you here, I have wanted to pick up the phone and call you many times. There is a void in me, something missing. It’s you, my dear Mom. I am attempting to self-heal, with the help of prayer of course. I would love to hear your voice, I need you to comfort me. You did instill in me a great sense of faith. There was a part of me removed the day you passed on. Yet with my faith, I feel a connection to you.

Momma do you forgive me…I never in my mind even imagined you dying. Really I believed God for a total and ultimate healing. Was I naïve or was I blind? Or was it a daughter just not wanting to let go. Whatever the case was, did I put undue pressure on you to fight? Please forgive me!!! There were so many words left unsaid. Promises I was not able to keep. Please, my dear Mom, will you forgive me.

God has placed so many wonderful people in my life to comfort me since you went home. Mostly newcomers, a lot of people I thought to be friends went astray. Yet the unique thing is these newcomers understood my pain because we shared a common grief, loss of a parent. We are the collection of vines without roses…we comfort one another. I thank God for them…

There is one thing that is for sure about grieving, it can be an emotional roller coaster, at times. There are ups and downs, but I can’t stay down too long. I may not be able to get back up as quickly as quickly as I would like. Get out of the place of grief. How long will this last. Am I destined to grieve forever. This is one time I am going to have to pick myself up and trust God and the process of healing. I am learning how to move forward. I am learning how to take my grief and place it in a positive place. I am still hurting but dwelling in this place will not bring you back. I want to reinvest my emotional energy in a positive way. How do I give life to your death?

You instilled so much in me, good ole fashion values. I learned about womanhood by watching and listening to you. You are the reason for the order and discipline I walk in. I want to give life to otherd by encouraging others as you had and making sacrifices for other just like you…I want to do it with dignity and give GOD all the glory.

Gone at such a young age, picked too soon, yet you placed so many seeds of potential in all you left behind. I know love, patience, virtue, kindness, strength, devotion, dedication and most of all FAITH because of you MOM. As I am one of the vines you left behind, one day I will be a rose just like you…

Clean

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clean heart

 

Have you ever noticed everyone’s perception of clean is different? A baby has no concept or idea what clean is (purity form of Clean) My son cannot understand the importance and detail in disinfecting (deeper CLEAN) And as for myself I may not possess the keen sense of detail to clean as my Mom (wisdom) Understand this “clean” is not about being perfect but being able to live up to your expectations based on your knowledge,up-bring, and experience…

With that being said people enter into relationships with the same mind SET!!! 

What becomes difficult is once you enter into a relationship and someone with a little more foresight points out a spot or wrinkle that you perceived to be without fault. It is at that moment you become defensive…It’s not necessary to defend what you do not know or recognize just make the necessary changes. Know this there are special people that come into our lives to enhance US. Please believe this, it will require correction. Especially if it is done biblically.

Correction is a form or cleaning/cleansing 

Ask yourself are you correctable?

II Timothy 3:16                                                                                                                                    All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness;

The true sign of maturity is the depths in which we receive it…Look beyond how it made

you feel into how youclean heart will improve. Know this age is not a sign of maturity growth is.

 

 

More to come

 

I Stopped Talking

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 shh

I STOPPED TALKING

Me, Oh yes me! I have nothing else to say. Well, I actually do have something of relevance to say, I just decided it was time to hold back.  I am drained. I recently lost my mother right before Christmas and that loss has hit me hard. I am nowhere close to getting over it emotionally or under it as understanding the WHY. One thing is for certain, I learned a lot about people, during My Mom’s illness, and after her passing. It is the reason I have stopped talking. I wish I had more people in my life that were a comfort to me as I am to them, yet I do find solace in praying.  I found myself putting unrealistic expectations in those I have invested a lot of heart into (notice I didn’t say time or money) hoping to receive back what I shared in them. That was definitely not the case. WAIT this is not one of those bitter rants. There is a silver lining at the end of this. Now I wanted to get bitter. Oh, Baby yes I wanted to rain down all the ill will that was building inside of me, but I couldn’t. Yes, I could not, meaning I had control of what the outcome was going to be, self-control at its finest. So I stopped talking. I stopped answering the phone and responding to text messages. I stopped. It was making me angry like THE HULK.  Broken promises, excuses and the rudest words of comfort were becoming insulting. I even had two marriage proposal and solicitation of sex, and family members asking me to help them get to my mom’s funeral, I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to…so I stopped talking. I blocked and deleted and set up boundaries. Then I did the best thing I could do, I went into prayer mode. I created an environment of peace among the madness. I was in search of my sanity.

There is one thing about grieving it comes in spurts of emotions. I would find myself buried in sorrow and then guilt and then anger…all I wanted to do was WAKE Up out of this horrible nightmare. I needed to talk, I wanted to talk but I had no one to listen to Neat. I would have a call come in or go out to eat and the conversation was about them…smh!!! So I initiated the silence mode…I stopped talking about me. I listened. I have learned not everyone is equipped to hear the sorrow within me. Most people are used to me being the motivator, the cheerleader, the minister, the comforter, the interceder/prayer warrior but not Neat the griever. Again I found myself in prayer. Seeking and searching for a form of comfort/comforter. I needed to be replenished I needed to be restored…I stopped talking. I stopped saying things of substance and just decided to be…

BE WHAT

TO BE Quiet

Waiting on the instructions of GOD as I go through the healing process. Sometimes it is necessary so we will not say things we will live to regret. Our words have power and should be spoken with authority and released responsibly.

Yes, it can be that simple            shh…

Proverbs 29:11; Proverbs 10:19; I Chronicles 16:11; Ecclesiastes 3:7; Luke 5:16